September 7--Balancing Acts

My life is spent in perpetual alternation between two rhythms,
the rhythm of attracting people for fear I may be lonely and the
rhythm of trying to get rid of them because I know that I am bored.

C.E.M. Joad

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

Boy, can I relate to this.  I love being around people, but I also love being by myself.  There are so many positive elements of each state that it's sometimes difficult for me to decide which one I want to seek at any given moment.  The difference between me and Joad is that I don't seek out people for fear of loneliness--I seek them out because I enjoy being with other people.  And I don't want to get away from them because I'm bored--I just want to have some quiet time to think and rest.

Finding a balance is often difficult.  Sometimes we find ourselves in one situation until we reach our point of saturation with it and we become completely overwhelmed.  At that point, if we're not able to escape from it and get a rest from it, we face some pretty major results such as crankiness, anger, conflict, or burnout.  If we spend too much time in one of our many rhythms, we neglect the others to our own detriment and often to the detriment of the people we love.

At times, when I'm doing some important work or I'm working on a novel, I crave to get out among people.  I know, though, that it's important for me to stay focused and to keep going with the work or I'll never get it done.  I have to keep a clear view of what I'm doing, how important it is, and my chances of actually finishing something if I leave it every time I get the desire to do something else.

Life is about balance.  And if you do seek out others for fear of being lonely, keep in mind that times being alone are valuable, too.  Likewise, if you head home because others are doing things that you don't want to do, then keep in mind that time on our own is valuable, too.  Too much of anything is simply too much, and too little of anything keeps us wanting more, sometimes to the point of distraction.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

What are some of the advantages of being with other people?   Of being alone?

Why do most cultures not value the idea of balance in our lives?

How might you go about figuring out how you're going to achieve balance in your own life?

* * * * *

For further thought:

Balance your time, your energy, your life with those around you.  You'll be able to give more freely and joyfully as a result, and you'll be more open to the gifts of the universe.  It's not wrong to give to others.  But it's okay to say yes to ourselves, too.

Melody Beattie




More on balance.

September 6--Is Freedom Just a Word?

The best way to be more free is to grant more
freedom to others.

Carlo Dossi

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

I knew some parents once who were so afraid that their teenage daughter was going to get into trouble that they micro-managed her life, allowing her virtually no freedom at all.  They gave her rides to everything and picked her up, they didn't allow her to stay over at friends' house, the whole deal.  The girl was miserable, and needless to say, the parents were pretty miserable, too.  It got to be so stressful when the daughter finally rebelled that the parents just threw up their hands and said "Fine, do what you want."

The parents were amazed--and quite humbled--when it turned out that their daughter was a pretty responsible young lady.  She made a few mistakes, but none that were drastic.  The parents learned that when they gave her the freedom to be who she was, they no longer had to try to mold her into who they thought she would be, and their lives became much, much easier.  We see the same things in relationships between spouses, lovers, siblings, and friends--try to control the other person's behaviors and actions and thoughts and reactions, and you're only setting yourself up for misery.

If I want to be truly free, I have to let others be free to be who they are and do what they want.  When I try to control others, I suffer just as much as they do.  I see this often in my classroom--when I'm able to let the students be because they're behaving well, my stress level is very low.  When someone starts acting up, though, my stress level rises because I now have to take away another person's freedom because they're abusing their freedom in an inappropriate situation.

If you want to be truly free, then let others be free.  Otherwise, freedom is just a word or a dream, but not a true experience.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

In what ways do we try to control the actions and thoughts of others?

How are we able to "grant more freedom to others"?

Why do so many people insist on trying to control others, even after they realize that they're making themselves miserable by trying?

* * * * *

For further thought:

Anything you strive to hold captive will hold

you captive, and if you desire freedom

you must give freedom.

Peace Pilgrim




more on freedom

September 5--Love Thyself

Know that compassion for others begins with being able to accept and forgive
yourself.  As long as you judge others for their imperfections, you will never
be able to truly accept and love yourself.

Susan Santucci

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

Looking for and pointing out other people's imperfections often doesn't stop with them--most people who are critical of others are even more critical with themselves, and they spend quite a lot of time and energy dealing with their own perceived faults, not just those of other people in their lives.  When someone seems to be completely lacking in compassion to us, even if that person seems to be self-absorbed, that focus on self usually isn't one that's defined by loving kindness, and all too often is a focus that results in a living hell.

And thus the cycle perpetuates itself:  we're hard on ourselves, and therefore we find reasons to criticize others for their perceived imperfections, and that focus on imperfections extends right back to ourselves, so we're hard on ourselves.  It's what is known as a vicious cycle, and it harms not just the people we're judging, but also ourselves.

Most people who write about compassion make it very clear that we can't love others until we love ourselves.  After all, what model of love do we have?  We have to have something upon which to base our love and compassion, and if we truly don't know what those things are, if we're very harsh and judgmental with ourselves, then how are we supposed to be kind and compassionate with others?  But all too often we see self-love as being self-indulgent and selfish, so we aren't kind with ourselves and other people in our lives suffer because of it.

Love yourself.  Accept yourself as you are and love yourself.  Even if you have major problems, they still are what they are and they won't be changed until you accept them and love the person you are, faults and all.  If more people in this world would love themselves unconditionally, we would have far less strife on this planet, and far more positive people who are kind and compassionate to others.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

Why do we often tend to see self-love as something negative?

How might you go about being aware of all that you are and accepting yourself just as you are, perceived flaws and all?

Why do we think we can love others without loving ourselves, while we know we can't help them with Algebra if we don't know Algebra?

* * * * *

For further thought:

When we don't love ourselves unconditionally,

the limited, judgmental, conditional love we give
ourselves is all we have to give anyone.  When we see
ourselves as flawed, we also see others as flawed.

unattributed




more on self-love

September 4--We Have All That We're Willing to Give

Supply is infinite, but there must be receptivity.  We can have all the supply
we will give.  But that is where the barrier is--the unwillingness to give.
That is where the lack or limitation is.

Joel Goldsmith

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

It seems that Joel is contradicting himself here, doesn't it?  Most of us would say that we can have all the supply that we will take, but Joel turns it around in a seeming paradox--we can have all that we will give.

Giving is most definitely a prerequisite to getting.  It's not that we give in order to get paid back, but that giving opens up our receptivity and creates the conditions that allow us to tap into the supply that the universe and our world have available to us.  Most people focus on lack, which almost guarantees that they won't be doing much giving.  "I have no time" means that one won't be giving of time; "I have no money" is a way of saying that one won't be giving of money; "Nobody needs anything from me" can mean that one won't be giving any encouragement, compliments, talents or skills to others.

We can be receptive to anything as long as the conditions are right.  Nobody will give us a paycheck unless we work; no one can be expected to give us their loyalty until we actually earn it.  And there is plenty in life for all of us to receive, though most of us simply aren't receptive to bigger and better things because we're too afraid of losing what we have by giving away too much. 

We can make our lives such that we can receive wonderful things from life, from positive emotions and love and friendship to financial gain and better jobs--life is always in a giving mood, but because we're usually in a taking mood, we don't match the giving mood and we lose out on it, closing our receptivity because of our unwillingness to give.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

How do we become so afraid of giving that we close our receptivity?

In what ways might you be able to practice your giving and open your receptivity?

What does Joel mean when he says that "Supply is infinite"?

* * * * *

For further thought:

Do you want there to be enough for you and for everyone?
Then choose that and know, "There is abundance of all things."
"There is an unlimited supply."  "There is so much magnificence."
Each of us has the ability to tap into that unlimited invisible supply
through our thoughts and feelings, and bring it into our experience.
So choose for You, because you're the only one who can.

Rhonda Byrne




More on the law of attraction.

September 3--Do We See Possibility or Limitation?

Become a possibilitarian.  No matter how dark things seem to be or actually
are, raise your sights and see possibilities--always see them, for they’re always there.

Norman Vincent Peale

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

A "possibilitarian"--what a nice word!  I'd like to think that I'm a person who focuses mainly on possibility and potential, rather than on limits and obstacles.  I'd like to think that I have enough faith in life and living to believe that better things are possible for me and others, for a possibilitarian is a person who lives with hope as a best friend and a person for whom dreams are a sign of the future and not idle wishes.

If I can focus on possibilities, then my life won't get bogged down in the mire of the status quo when things aren't going well.  If I become a possibilitarian, then I'll have an extra tool in my kit that can help me through difficult times, for the hardest part of difficult times is dealing with the fear that they'll always stay hard or that they'll get even worse.  And I can also help others to see possibilities in their own lives, and the friend who might not have dared to go back to school or who might not have taken on the challenge of opening her own restaurant may be able to take heart and face the challenge that otherwise they might have backed away from.

"Raise your sights."  It sounds easy enough to do, but the truth is that it's often very difficult.  Being someone who believes in the possibilities of the human spirit isn't something that comes naturally to most of us, and we do tend to have to work at it.  The impossible sometimes seems so strong that it tricks us into thinking that it's the only way to see things.  But it really is up to us to work our ways towards seeing possibilities--after all, why would we have been put on this planet full of so much potential if we were intended only to get mired in the muck and never accomplish anything, and never reach any of our dreams?

I prefer to be a possibilitarian and focus on what may be if I put my mind and effort to it.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

How often do you get stuck looking only at limitations and impossibilities?

How might we help ourselves to learn to become better at seeing the possibilities in life?

When things are dark, why is it so difficult to think of things getting brighter?

* * * * *

For further thought:

If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish
for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of
the potential, for the eye which, ever young and
ardent, sees the possible. . . what wine is so sparkling,
so fragrant, so intoxicating, as possibility!

Søren Kierkegaard




More on potential.

September 2--Sadness Is a Part of Who We Are

Sadness is related to the opening of your heart.  If you allow yourself
to feel sad, especially if you can cry, you will find that your heart
opens wider and you can feel more love and more joy.

Shakti Gawain

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

From where do we get this notion that we can't show our feelings?  Why do people, when they see us sad or grieving, tell us to "cheer up" or even "get over it"?  What if I don't want to cheer up--is that so bad?  What if I want to stay with the sadness long enough that I can deal with it completely and allow it to work its way out of my system?  I have every right to do so, but others seem to think that their lot in life is to push us to feeling better, when doing so may be the worst thing for us (even if they see it as the best thing for them).

Telling someone who's sad to "cheer up" borders on cruelty, for it doesn't acknowledge the true feelings that the person is going through--it tells that person that they're doing something wrong and that they need to change.  It isn't acknowledging the important idea that "to everything there is a season," including sadness.  It would be silly to think that we can go through all our days on the planet without feeling sadness, though some people do act as if they can on the outside.  But as Shakti says, it's important that we allow ourselves to be sad so that we can open ourselves up to other emotions that are also important.

(Even as I wrote the last sentence, I almost wrote "other, more positive emotions."  Sadness, when we don't allow ourselves to get mired up in it, is a positive emotion, for it allows us to move past certain incidents or stages in our lives.)

There seem to be two more dominant problems with sadness:  other people have problems dealing with our sadness, and sometimes we allow the sadness to go on for too long, until we lose sight of the beauty and wonder of the world.  But just because others have a hard time dealing with our sadness doesn't mean we should shove it back inside ourselves and not allow ourselves to feel it, for then we'd be moving on in life with unfaced issues that need to be dealt with.

Others can help us when we allow sadness to take us over, for they often have a perspective that's much more objective than our own.  Sadness can be an attractive state to be in, depending on our state of mind, and we don't want it to take control of us.  Because it is true that "to everything there is a season," there's also a time when we must move on from sadness and, as Shakti says, "feel more love and more joy."

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

In which ways can sadness be a powerful force in our lives?

Why do so many of us tend to see sadness as a negative emotion?

Why is sadness often an attractive state for us to stay in?

* * * * *

For further thought:

"Life is not all sadness," Old Hawk continued.  "Yet, without sadness we would not yearn for joy, and strive to find it, and treasure it when it comes.  It is also a fact that neither sadness nor joy is with us constantly.  And how often one of the other is part of our journey is not always within our control.  We all want joy more than sadness and rare is the person who wants sadness at all."

Joseph M. Marshall III

More on sadness.

September 1--Let Go of Resentment

When we have painful memories from hurting experiences, we may
feel justified in holding on to the resentment.  But resentment is
corrosive.  It doesn't affect the person we feel anger toward,
it destroys the host.

Susan L. Taylor

* * * * *

Today's Meditation:

It's important to remember that what we keep in our minds does affect us, and it tends to affect us very strongly.  One who holds on to jealousy suffers needlessly, as does one who holds on to resentment.  When we do keep thoughts of resentment and anger in our minds, it usually doesn't have any effect at all on the person of whom we're resentful, even though we like to fool ourselves into thinking that our negative feelings are, indeed, having an effect.

Resentment hurts me if I'm resentful.  It hurts me because it keeps me focused on negative things like anger and bad experiences, and it doesn't allow me to stay fully present in the now.  Resentment is a result of the ego having its say--it's been bruised, so therefore it's going to take charge and make sure that we keep our minds on that bruised ego.  It truly doesn't do us any good at all, but it is a very real phenomenon that holds many people hostage to negative feelings that never go away until one learns how to let go of the resentment and move on with their lives.

As Susan says, we all have had to deal with hurtful experiences.  Usually, we're able to move on and leave them behind without keeping our minds on the negative things that others might or might not have done.  When we're not, though, we hold ourselves hostage to our own ego, which makes the demand, "Satisfy me!"

The only way to move on and move up is to honestly let go of the resentment, to acknowledge our hurt and our pain and let it take its place in our past, where it belongs.  Because as long as we keep it alive and allow it to interfere with our present, we'll continue to give others power over us by allowing their actions to affect us long after we should be over it.

* * * * *

Questions to consider:

Why is it so easy to feel resentment?  What part does your ego play in telling you that it's okay to feel it?

What does Susan mean when she says that resentment "destroys the host"? 

What are some strategies for letting go of resentment completely and moving on with your life?

* * * * *

For further thought:

Anger, resentment and jealousy don't change
the heart of others--they only change yours.

Shannon Alder

more on resentment